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The First Christmas

This is the first Christmas I was separated. It’s painful for me to go back to that place- particularly from where I am today. I had a 5 year old and an 8 year old (pretty much the most Christmas intensive years possible). Previously, my husband and I had amazing Christmas traditions. It was one of the places we really excelled. I can feel the pain and loss of that first year like it was yesterday. The incredible loneliness, the weight of having to deliver a Christmas by myself and make it feel normal to the kids. Being able to support my kids through the “newness” of everything. Creating new traditions while mourning those lost. The most painful memory was not participating in my husband’s family holiday celebration for the first time in 15 years. Knowing they were all together celebrating without me on Christmas Eve. Everything you see in this photo was bought on a credit card- that I had no idea how I would ever pay off. I was so desperate to absolve myself of guilt (and heal my children’s pain) that I would have done anything. Wives and mamas out there who are experiencing your “first Christmas”- I see you. I feel your pain. I was you. If I can support you in ANYWAY through this season- please reach out. You don’t have to be alone- I’m here. And, believe me- it gets SO MUCH better. But- you have to decide to take action. The sooner you do- the sooner the healing begins. If you want to start healing your story this January, my Queen Course has a few spots left. This is your invitation- let your intuition guide you and join us.

Are you staying together for the kids this year? Isn’t it painful and exhausting to be so out of alignment with what your insides feel and what you have to try to show to the world? Although it’s been many years for me- I remember it like it was yesterday. Despite years of healing and the creation of a life that I absolutely cherish- the pain and trauma are still there. Sometimes I’ll be hit with a wave of grief and memories- my body becomes frozen- and I remember. I take a few breaths and let my normal state return- and I feel nothing but gratitude. But, I need these moments to help me do the work I do- helping women